A brave Man's Journey Through Relationship Abuse

In the world of relationships and intimacy, many couples face common issues like differences in desire, lack of physical connection, or sex that becomes routine and unfulfilling. One of my clients went through a particularly challenging situation, which started with these familiar problems but ran much deeper than not having time or not enjoying sex after being married for more than 10 years. He began to realize this during our coaching sessions.

At first, he slowly looked back on his sex life, his relationship with his wife, and even some affairs during their marriage. We also delved into body image issues that traced back to his teenage years when he was bullied for being slightly overweight. For many years he had committed to transform himself and became a dedicated triathlete, physically fit and strong.

Some sessions into his process he shared a moment of deep frustration. He described something that had happened that Sunday. After putting their girls to sleep, his wife went to bed and told him: “You have ten minutes to use my body, I'm tired”.

He realized then a there how his wife had reduced their intimate life to a mere duty, making him feel empty and sad. This had been going on for years, and it finally became too much to bear. He realized he couldn't continue living like that. So, he booked a flight to New York and started working from there, far away from that painful situation. He did not want to come back home.

This was a significant moment in his journey. He also revealed that this situation had started when their kids were born, and his wife was exhausted. Furthermore, she discovered his past infidelity during a business trip, which deepened the issues. He was not proud of the cheating.

She started rejecting him in every way possible, she would criticize him constantly, attacking his self-esteem in hurtful ways. For instance, she'd tell him he was gaining weight, that his breath smelled bad, that he was too hairy, or that his body was unattractive. It eroded his self-esteem, and this cycle continued until he felt unattractive and unwanted.

II have shared this story many times -with his permission- and most of the people would feel shocked and say things like:

-I can't believe he did not get a divorce.

-He is so stupid to live like that.

-How is it possible that he doesn't leave her.

And it shocks me how as a community we see this as a sex mismatch instead of naming it as it is: an abuse cycle.

A couple sessions later he was able to realize how the abuse was showing up, even with a massive amount of pain he was able to name it and eventually, as hard as it was, he filed for divorce. His recovery has not been easy, but he knows that living like that was worse.

Yes. Men can also be abused. And this is a very clear example. She had been punishing him since the affair, making her feel unsuitable and disgusting in every possible way, eroding his self-esteem. This is why victims do not leave.

Your partner neglecting your needs is abuse. I'm not saying that she/he needs to say yes to anything that you want but validating your needs is one of the signs of a healthy relationship.

And of course, your partner criticizing you constantly is emotional abuse. You do not deserve it and it's not ok.

No matter what you have done in the past, you deserve to be in a relationship in which you feel loved and desired. Every day.

Some other signs of abuse are:

• Humiliation

• Isolation

• Withholding affection or sex

• Blaming

This kind of abuse in men show up like:

• Feelings of rejection

• Feeling unloved or unimportant

• Lowered self-esteem.

• Lack of desire

• Tension and distance between partners

• Frustration and anger

• Resentment

• Depression

• Anxiety

• The need to over perform (work or hobbies)

If you suspect that you are a victim of abuse in your relationship, remember that you deserve to be in a loving, healthy and respectful relationship. Seek support in any way that feels aligned with you. Seeking help is a courageous step to reclaim your wellbeing. You are not alone. You matter.