Exploring Male Sexuality: Beyond Stereotypes and Stigma

As a sex coach, one thing that continually surprises me is how much our culture shapes our sexuality, in negative ways. Sometimes it can actually become very cruel.

A few years ago, I began working with a man in his early forties who was exceptionally busy. He asked for a meeting on a Sunday at 7 am, which I usually declined. However, he mentioned it was an emergency, so I agreed. I recognized him from social magazines as a very successful entrepreneur who had been divorced for a while and had kids.

Without delay, he got to the point, which caught me off guard:

"My therapist thinks I'm a sex addict and wants me to see a psychiatrist and get medication. I want to know if you can help me."

I started asking questions. He had multiple consensual relationships with adults, enjoyed having sex for long periods of time, nothing illegal or particularly risky. He managed his companies and parenting duties well, with a normal social life.

"I don't see the problem," I said. "You have a high and healthy libido, and your partners do too. Enjoy and have fun."

He felt relieved but frustrated at the same time. "You know what's frustrating?" he said. "My whole life, I've been told to be powerful, have lots of money, date as many women as I can, and want sex all the time. Now that I have all that, they want to medicate me. It's nonsense!" We sat in silence, both feeling the injustice of it.

Men's sexuality often gets portrayed as wild, uncontrollable, and sometimes aggressive or even abusive. Many men face harsh judgment for their sexual desires.

While sexual abuse is always wrong, consensual desires often carry a stigma, making it seem like your sexuality is wrong or sick. This is a perfect example, and this is why I wanted to share this story.

One of the most significant things I've learned from this experience, which changed my view of men's challenges, is that this judgment is obviously cruel. But what's worse is that we teach men these ideas and judge them for aspiring to become this.

Men usually learn about sex from pornography because few have open conversations about it (other than basic sex education focusing on disease prevention). This leads to men being taught to treat women as objects, disregard their feelings and needs, pursue as many women as they want, and always want sex. And when they do this in real life, we label them as sex addicts, cheaters, emotionless, and heartless.

As a society, we need to ask ourselves when we've taught them something different. When have we encouraged them to explore their desires without guilt and share them without shame? When have we guided them to understand themselves and choose the kind of partner and lover they want to be?

Every person's sexuality should be a conscious choice and a reflection of the person they want to become. Copying a model of sexuality, especially one that's toxic, isn't okay. Of course, personal responsibility matters, but social conditioning often overpowers an individual's will, and we must acknowledge this.

After several sessions with this client, he realized he was using his sexuality to hide insecurities about dating. After many years of marriage and being out of the dating scene, having lots of sex with his partners gave him confidence to date since sexuality was one of his strengths.

Once he discovered this, he explored other strengths and positive qualities he brought to his relationships and sex. Although sexuality remained important in his life, it became an enjoyable moment instead of the center of his relationships (the part his psychologist considered an addiction). He didn't have to prove himself any more through sex.

Embracing your sexuality and expressing it in a healthy way (with consenting adults) is one of the most powerful choices a man can make. It's not about conforming to someone else's idea of your sexuality; it's about honoring your ability to choose who you want to be and living in line with your truth.

No one should shame you for your sexuality. All your needs and desires are valid. It's never too late to create the sexual life you want and deserve. Be honest with yourself.

Tantra can help men break free from this cultural conditioning. It offers a transformative path to liberate men from these societal pressures. Through Tantric practices, men can explore their sexuality in a mindful and intentional way, guided by principles of respect, consent, and connection. Tantra encourages men to embrace their desires without shame and to view sexuality as a holistic aspect of their lives.

It invites men to shift their focus from performance and external validation to inner fulfillment and authentic connection. By practicing Tantra, men can develop a profound understanding of their own desires and learn how to communicate openly and honestly with their partners.

By incorporating Tantra into their lives, men can liberate themselves from societal expectations and embark on a transformative journey towards sexual and personal empowerment.