Today, I want to shed some light on a common but often overlooked challenge that many men and couples face: being in sexless relationships. It's a topic that's often lived in silence and shame. It's way more common than we might think, but it's absolutely possible to emerge from these dry spells.
When working with this challenge with individuals and couples one of the first questions I ask is: Are you and your partner enjoying the sex that you have?
I have seen many heads tilting and most of my clients take a very long time to reply this question. Most of the time the answer is: I'm not sure, which actually is one of the main issues.
When is the last time you ate liver? I ask them. Most of them can't even remember. Do you like liver? Again most of them reply no. If you'd like liver, you will eat it more often, and the same applies to sex.
Do not worry, not liking the sex that you are having doesn't mean you or your partner are terrible lovers, or that your sexuality is doomed to failure. It simply means that, like most people in this world, neither of you were given the tools to explore and cultivate a sexuality that works for you.
It might seem counter intuitive but admitting that one or both of you are dissatisfied with your sex life can be a significant breakthrough.
It's a crucial step toward improving your sex life because it requires honesty, communication, and a willingness to explore. All three of them will be extremely valuable in your journey back to an active sex life.
The next question I ask my clients is:
Do you and your partner know what you truly enjoy in sex at this stage in life?
Often, the responses I receive are vague desires like: I would like to have sex more often, I would like them to initiate, I want to be able to enjoy it, it has become boring. The truth is they have no idea.
The only way to discover what truly satisfies you sexually is by experiencing it, which requires a lot of exploration that is not happening at this moment, at least with this partner.
Many couples try to reignite passion and intimacy, using different tools and techniques—from Kamasutra positions to toys, BDSM, and role-playing—only to find themselves still unfulfilled and trapped in the sexless pattern. They are eating liver in different dishes— liver with chips, liver ceviche, even liver cupcakes—yet the underlying issue remains unchanged because it is still liver.
This pursuit of novelty in sex often leads us to believe that constant innovation holds the key to satisfaction.
However, the reality is far less extravagant. The Kamasutra, for instance, offers fewer than 70 positions, many requiring levels of strength and flexibility beyond most people's capabilities. Similarly, the world of sex toys, while diverse, they ultimately plug into the same places. And it is not as if we wake up one day with new erogenous zones.
The solution to this dilemma lies not in seeking novelty, but in cultivating curiosity.
Consider this: if you were a violinist striving for mastery, would you switch to playing the cello, drums, or trumpet in pursuit of excellence? No, you'd stick with the violin, improving your skills through years of practice. Your most breathtaking performances wouldn't come from novelty, but from the discipline and mindfulness you bring to your art. Your most amazing performance will emerge when you master the subtle adjustments, like slightly tensing your chord or increasing the tempo minimally. You would know the difference of playing in diverse environments, from the humidity of the jungle to the dryness of the mountain. You would discover how external factors influence your performances. You would also recognize the impact of your emotional state on your performance—how your music varies when you're in love compared to when you're in a bad mood or had a rough day. Yet, despite the challenges, your commitment to mastery drives you to persevere, much like a violinist striving to become a maestro.
The Sex that you will really enjoy is exactly the same, it requires the same amount of discipline, awareness, and curiosity. I have seen this single realization bring so much relief in couples and also the most incredible sex that they have had.
My third question for them is: Are you struggling with something else in your life?
We all have burdens—debts, losses, work stress, addictions, mental health issues, worries, and more. It's crucial to recognize that the pleasure (or lack of) experienced during sex is heavily influenced by our brains. The brain's primary objective isn't pleasure; it's survival. If you are struggling with something you will not only not enjoy sex, but you might not even want it.
Especially for men, there's a pervasive misconception that they're always ready and willing for sex, which can create immense tension in relationships. For him, the pressure to constantly desire sex can lead to feelings of guilt and inadequacy when he doesn't feel like engaging in sexual activity.
He might think, "Something must be wrong with me because I'm a man, and men are supposed to always want sex." On the other hand, she may internalize this situation, wondering if she's doing something wrong because her partner isn't initiating sex, and men always want to have sex.
You can see this unrealistic expectation in TV shows and movies. I remember one particular rom-com scene that struck a chord with me. After overcoming numerous obstacles, the couple finally comes together. They confess their love in an emergency room, the man recovering from a heart attack, is barely conscious. They start kissing, she climbs the bed and the scene fades out, implying that they're about to engage in sex. After a heart attack! It's scenes like these that perpetuate harmful stereotypes about men's desire and create pressure in real-life relationships. I encourage you to watch sex scenes with a fresh perspective, paying attention to the subtle messages about male desire and expectations. You will learn a lot.
Men's sexuality is far more nuanced than these stereotypes suggest.
Just like anyone else, men experience fluctuations in their sexual desire. It's entirely normal for men to have times when they're not in the mood for sex, and that's perfectly okay. Recognizing and accepting this variability is essential for fostering healthy attitudes towards sexuality and relationships.
Allowing yourself the space to not have sex when you're not feeling it is crucial. It's about embracing the concept of "human sex"—sex that's grounded in authenticity, consent, and mutual desire. It's about recognizing that your worth as a partner and as a human being isn't contingent upon your sexual performance or desire.
Acknowledging and honoring your own boundaries around sex can deepen the intimacy and connection in your relationship. It allows for more honest and open communication with your partner, fostering a sense of trust and understanding. And when you do engage in sexual activity, it's more likely to be a genuinely pleasurable and fulfilling experience for both partners.
In the upcoming blogs, I will share specific strategies and practices tailored to guide you through overcoming a sexless dry spell. But for now take a moment to ponder these questions:
Have you and your partner been finding joy and satisfaction in your sexual experiences together?
Have you both taken the time to explore and understand each other's deepest desires and pleasures in the bedroom, considering where you are in your lives right now?
Beyond your sexual relationship, are there any other areas of your life causing you stress or concern that might be affecting your intimacy with your partner?
Consider these small yet impactful action steps:
- Reignite Romance: Prioritize romance and intimacy without expecting sex. Plan fun dates, indulge in a romantic getaway, or simply create moments of connection free from pressure or distractions.
- Offer Physical Affection: Foster physical closeness through non-sexual touch. Hugs, kisses, or a soothing massage can foster intimacy and strengthen your bond as you navigate through this challenging time.
- Be Honest: Open up to your partner about your feelings and thoughts regarding the sexless situation. Express your desire to overcome it together and acknowledge any uncertainties or fears you may have.
By taking these initial steps, you'll lay the groundwork for a more fulfilling and satisfying sexual relationship with your partner.
If you're struggling with a sexless relationship know that you are not alone, and there are options. You can break free from the constraints of societal expectations and embrace a more authentic approach to sex, one that is enjoyable for you and your partners. With honest communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to explore, you can create deeper connections with yourself and your partners.
Remember, your worth is not defined by societal norms or sexual performance. It's found in your ability to embrace vulnerability, honesty, and self-discovery.