Mastering conflict as a man through Tantra

Some weeks ago, I had the honor of guiding a charming couple through a self-inquiry meditation. During the session, they visualized the familial and cultural imprints surrounding relationships and envisioned who they wanted to become as partners. He came from a very traditional and religious background and was struggling with a lot of anxiety about their relationship. He oscillated harshly between pushing her away and desperately wanting to be together.

"I don't understand what's happening," he said. "My parents had a perfect marriage. I just want something like that, but somehow I can't make it happen with her. Something must be wrong in this relationship."

I've witnessed how these expectations affect my clients, often not helping them to have the relationships they truly desire. Many are caught in a bind: either their parents had what seemed like the perfect relationship, and that's all they aspire to have, or they experienced their parents' divorce, leading them to set an equally impossibly high standard to avoid repeating the same mistakes.

Two main issues stem from this dynamic. Firstly, these relationships often fail to provide us with healthy models of conflict resolution. Secondly and more important, these relationships imprint rigid expectations about what a relationship should look like. We hold onto these expectations as if they were absolute truths, seeking safety and control. This often results in the development of a rigid ego, which prevents us from adapting to the reality of relationships and evolving as partners.

However, for men conflict in relationships and creating a flexible ego can actually become one of the most powerful portals for personal and relational evolution if they are willing to master it.

Today, I'll share with you the Tantric approach to conflict resolution along with some simple and transformational tools to help you engage in conflict with ease instead of overwhelm.

Many men attempt to resolve relationship issues by focusing solely on conflict resolution and seeking tools and techniques to navigate challenges. While these resources can be helpful, they often fail to address the root of the problem: the rigid ego. This not only makes communication almost impossible but also prevents any transformation or self-actualization. In this contracted state, conflicts become not only overwhelming but also uninspiring. So they tend to avoid them as much as they can.

We often consider the ego as a spiritual concept that requires solutions such as meditation, breathwork, and other alternative practices to attain enlightenment. However, its practical implications, particularly in romantic relationships and conflict resolution, are profound.

Ego in romantic relationships, manifests when you become excessively attached to your desires, needs, and expectations without considering those of your partner. This attachment can lead not only to a failure to address conflicts effectively but also obstruct your own growth and evolution creating a huge disservice.

For women, this rigidity often leads to feelings of hurt and rejection. For many men it triggers extreme anger and frequently a complete shut down. They retreat into their minds, searching for arguments to reinforce their sense of being right, inflicting suffering on their partner as a way to cope with their anger. Even if it means losing what they want the most. 

At this point, what you lose is not just connection; you also lose your freedom. You become trapped within your own rigid standards, unable to adapt or revise them. This makes it difficult to envision and create a better way forward after the conflict, one that aligns with your values and helps you become the man you aspire to be, rather than conforming to the expectations of your partner, family, culture etc. This is where the Tantric approach can truly empower and inspire you.

One analogy that deeply resonates with my clients and effectively explains the Tantric approach to conflicts is surfing. Picture yourself as the surfer and the wave as the conflict. You can't control the conflict; you have to ride it. However, you have the power to decide how to stand during the wave. You must determine who you need to be as a surfer in that specific wave, all while being mindful of the board, which represents your partner and the relationship.

Just as a skilled surfer adjusts their stance to ride the waves, navigating conflicts in relationships requires you to be flexible and adapt your perspectives to your reality and needs instead of trying to please the wave or the board. What's more, the objective of this experience is to become a more skilled surfer once the wave is over.

Conflict can actually help you become a better man and partner if you navigate it wisely and use it to your advantage.

While traditional conflict resolution often relies on one party agreeing to compromise, non-dualistic philosophies take a different approach and this is why they are so valuable in relationships. They not only acknowledge that opposing viewpoints can both be valid—your partner can be hurt, and you can be offended; your partner can be yearning for connection, and you can have a need for space; you can want to be with her and also doubt the relationship—but also include a broader perspective in which the goal is not just acknowledgment but also the creation of a higher truth that can completely upgrade you as an individual.

This is a long-lasting approach since it focuses on you becoming the person you aspire to be through the conflict, instead of just patching your relationship to avoid discomfort. Most of my clients find this approach to conflict empowering and inspiring. 

Self-inquiry meditations, which I often discuss in this blog, are excellent for this purpose. They encourage you not to over-identify with the conflict or with your partial truth, allowing you to remain flexible and open-minded while also becoming your higher version. Asking yourself questions during meditation will help you find deeper truths and insights, rather than seeking simple answers or solutions. Diving beneath the surface of your thoughts and emotions, these questions can help you expand your awareness and understanding, first and foremost of yourself, which will be extremely helpful for your partner and your relationship.

Here are some questions that can help you address your conflicts with a non-dualist perspective:

• What am I really defending here?

• Am I truly listening to my partner?

• What is my role in creating this conflict?

• Am I reacting or responding?

• What would happen if I let go of my need to be right?

• What am I afraid of losing in this conflict?

• What does resolving this conflict require me to change about myself?

• What would a wise person do in this situation?

• What are the consequences of holding onto this grudge?

• How does this conflict align with my values?

• How does my ego prevent me from seeing the bigger picture?

• What values do I want to embody in resolving this conflict?

These questions create space for an updated version of yourself, a more confident version that navigates conflicts more effectively each time. Embracing these questions doesn't guarantee that you won't stumble in the future, but through self-exploration, you can ensure that every setback becomes a step forward. Each new conflict becomes an opportunity to grow into the partner you aspire to be. This is self-mastery and self-ownership, and there's nothing more empowering for you as a man.

Just as the surfer in the previous analogy learning to understand your partner's viewpoint is similar to understanding and mastering your surfboard. These questions, coupled with genuine curiosity, will help you understand your partner and become the master of conflicts in your relationship.

• What do you need from me right now?

• How can I better support you during times of conflict?

• What did you need from me that you felt you weren't getting?

• Can you help me understand your perspective better?

• What do you think we can do to prevent this from happening again in the future?

• What can I do to make you feel heard and understood?

• What can we learn from this conflict to strengthen our relationship?

• Is there anything I did that hurt you that I may not be aware of?

• What can I do to rebuild trust and connection after a conflict?

• How can we work together to find a resolution that satisfies both of us?

The journey of every relationship includes conflicts, which are not only challenges but also opportunities for growth, evolution and deeper connections. By embracing non-dualistic philosophies and cultivating a flexible ego, you can open yourself to new perspectives and new ways of being. This liberates you from societal constructs and creates space for your most empowered self. With this approach, you can navigate conflicts with greater ease and confidence. Instead of clinging to rigid beliefs or the need to be right, view conflicts as a path to mutual growth and evolution.

Embrace the journey, and let each conflict empower you to become the best version of yourself. Stay true.