Men and Pain: Addressing the Un named

When I started coaching men around sex, love, and relationships, I noticed something very interesting. There isn't much discussion or information about these topics. It often seems like people either ignore or oversimplify the experiences men go through in these areas, leaving some important aspects unexplored, some of them even unnamed.

One of my clients, like many others, came to me because he wanted to improve his relationship with his wife, particularly in the bedroom. They had been facing issues for about two years. They would have sex once a month, if he was “lucky enough” he said. And even then, it was uncomfortable. She had become uninterested in sex, and they used to enjoy it a lot.

He frequently referred back to those two rough years when their relationship seemed to get worse. I asked if something significant had happened around that time that might have affected her trust. While lack of intimacy might appear to be about sex, deeper trust issues are usually at play.

I sensed that he was struggling to open up about what had happened. Eventually, he shared, "We hadn't planned on having children, as it wasn't convenient for us. She had an abortion."

His expression shifted, and his voice took on a tone of sadness and guilt. He transitioned from the confident man eager to please his partner to someone deeply affected by the overall experience.

Following the abortion, she went through a challenging period. Worries about never becoming a mother again and the pressures of aging weighed heavily on her. They married and tried to get pregnant again, this resulted in a couple of miscarriages.

Blame began to creep into their relationship, each holding the other responsible. He shared with me the emotions she experienced: anger, sadness, guilt, and frustration. These feelings are entirely normal during such a difficult time, but he had no idea how to support her. Soon he became the villain of the story.

I asked, "How has this been for you?"

There was a lengthy silence. He coughed trying to clear his throat. He was rubbing his hands with anxiety, and he finally shared, "Guilt, relief, frustration, anger, sadness, confusion." I could sense that no one had asked him this question before, even though they had been to couple's therapy.

They loved each other deeply, but their pain and their inability to process it was only causing unhealthy behaviors that were driving them apart and hurting them even more.

Unlike my client, many men avoid seeking help, preferring to internalize their pain and cope with it in various ways that do not help the relationship dynamic.

While we've made some efforts to provide support for women in such situations -which is very needed and we are still lacking-, the same can't always be said for men. There's no specific term for a man whose partner has had an abortion, as if he's somehow excluded from the experience, even though it profoundly affects them as well as women, obviously in different ways. We cannot conceptualize and address what we can't name.

In my experience, the main issue often lies in men not being able to recognize their own pain.

Without this acknowledgement it becomes nearly impossible for them to do anything about it. For my client and his partner, him simply admitting his pain and expressing: “I am also hurt”, alleviated much unnecessary tension. He was no longer the villain in their story; he was a human struggling, just like her. This shift allowed them to relate as equals, trying to cultivate compassion and love instead of perpetuating their cycle of pain.

I share this story today because many men believe that sharing their feelings and communicating them would not change anything in their lives. But it's crucial to understand that it actually matters. It can transform your relationships, starting with the relationship with yourself.

Being honest with your internal experiences has a profound impact on life. It creates self-trust, something many men lack, resulting in insecurity that can severely damage their self-esteem and the way that they relate.

Trusting yourself enough to be honest about who you are and what you experience will transform your life and relationships.

And I know that you don't want to do this because you might feel that it involves therapy, talking about things you don't want and wasting your time in an unproductive way. But it doesn't necessarily entail traditional therapy. Various philosophical traditions, including Advaita Vedanta, Zen Buddhism, Vipassana, Tantra, and existentialism, offer accessible practices like "self-inquiry meditation." This technique involves introspection and self-reflection, using questions to understand one's thoughts, emotions, and inner world. It taps into one of men's strengths – their analytical minds. It is not therapy, its a training that can help you sort out your problems in a way that makes sense to you.

It will always be helpful to find the guidance of someone that can help you understand not only the techniques but also will be able to ask the questions you need to go deeper in your experience. It is from this understanding that you will be able to create relationships that are based in awareness instead of repeating unhealthy patterns that only lead you to unfulfilling relationships. Your pain is valid and real, it's up to you to decide: How do you want to relate with it?