Men's Unspoken Needs

“What usually happens is that he starts pulling away,” she began, her voice trembling with pain. “At first, he becomes contemptuous, attacking my character and engaging with other women on social media. He stops sharing things with me, withdraws from the relationship, and becomes obsessed with work—suddenly, he’s just too busy. When I ask what’s wrong, he insists there’s nothing, even though it’s clear something is off! I don’t understand why he’s sabotaging our relationship,” she said, distress evident in her eyes. “He loves me; I know he does.”

He sat in silence, guilt written over his face. “I don’t think I’m sabotaging our relationship,” he finally murmured, his voice barely above a whisper. “I think I’m sabotaging myself, and I don’t know why.”

A heavy silence settled between us. My heart ached for both of them. I had known him for over twenty years and had witnessed the turmoil of his divorce. His ex-wife had fought fiercely for every penny and asset, and the custody battle over their children had been brutal. When he met this new partner, I genuinely felt happy for him. She loved him deeply, her devotion was beautiful to witness, and it was clear he cherished their relationship. Yet, I had also seen this pattern before—the push and pull, the separations, and the frustration. This time, though, they had come to me together as clients, seeking help, and I felt honored that they chose me to guide them through this.

He has a son, Luca, who is 17 years old. “If Luca wanted to get drunk,” I asked, “would it be safer for him to do it with people who love him or with people who don’t?” They exchanged puzzled looks but responded, “With people who love him.” “And which would be wiser?” I asked again. They answered, “With people who love him.”

I nodded. “See, we all have our moments of ‘crazy,’ and we typically express them only where we feel loved and safe. This is a sign of inner wisdom, even if we’re not fully aware of it. Maybe you’re not pulling away to sabotage yourself or your relationship. Perhaps you’re retreating because something deep inside you knows it’s safe here—to pull back, to reveal this shadow—because it will be met with love instead of rejection. It might seem like you’re retreating, but in reality, you’re asking to be loved. And there’s something within you that’s certain she can provide that quality of love.”

I could see surprise dawning on their faces as I shared this perspective, rooted in a powerful teaching from Tantric Shaivism.

It’s transformative for couples to understand that every action, no matter how hurtful it seems, springs from a deep yearning for love and connection.

This perspective can shift how we perceive conflicts and challenges in relationships. According to this tradition, everything we do is either an expression of love or a request for love. Simple yet incredibly profound, it recognizes the truth that we are all seeking the same thing, which can help us build bridges of true compassion, love, and understanding.

Too often, people approach their challenges through a devilish lens that frames everything as an act of sabotage or wrongdoing—either by the other person or themselves. Unfortunately, this divisive mindset is often reinforced by traditional therapeutic approaches, which may financially benefit from prolonged conflict. Recognizing the need for love and understanding can pave the way for a more compassionate and effective healing journey.

“Why wouldn’t he just ask for what he needed and tell me that he’s not feeling loved?” she asked with both frustration and curiosity. 

And she had a valid point. It seemed so simple on the surface, yet it wasn’t. I turned to him, “Who taught you how to recognize your needs?” 

He pondered for a moment, reflecting deeply. “No one,” he replied honestly. 

“And who taught you how to ask for what you need?” I continued.

He laughed, a bitter sound, as if the idea itself were absurd. “No one,” he said again.

How could he, or any other man, learn to do THAT? In our culture, men are taught from a young age to be strong and self-reliant. They should never need anything, especially not love or emotional support. If they do, they are often perceived as weak, needy, or pathetic.

“So, can we really blame them for not knowing what they need and for not asking for it?” I asked, turning back to her. 

I wish I could tell you that in the next session, he had a clear understanding of his needs, shared them with his partner, and they lived happily ever after. But the reality is far more complex, and this is something I frequently encounter when working with men.

The first step—allowing themselves to even entertain the idea that they have emotional needs—is a gigantic leap. We are up against deeply ingrained conditioning. Many cultures instill the belief in men that they must be self-sufficient and independent. From a young age, boys are taught that asking for help or expressing a need is a sign of weakness, leading them to believe they should be able to handle everything on their own. Media often perpetuates the idea of the “stoic hero” who needs nothing and no one. Such representations reinforce the belief that needing anything, whether support or connection, contradicts the masculine ideal.

I often wonder how they manage to navigate life without acknowledging their needs. 

The next step is even more challenging: figuring out what they actually need. This is tricky because distinguishing between genuine needs and socially conditioned expectations is difficult. Their cultural, family, and religious environments shape so much of their experience that it takes time to peel away the layers of what is no longer true for them.

Men may not be encouraged to engage in self-reflection about their needs, resulting in a lack of awareness regarding what those needs might be.

Many men grow up without the vocabulary to articulate their needs. This lack of language complicates even conceptualizing what their needs are, leading to confusion and frustration.

Then comes the most vulnerable part: sharing these needs with their partners. This step is incredibly raw, confronting them with the fear of rejection—something many have sadly experienced before multiple times. It takes immense bravery to reach this point. Men may also worry that expressing their needs will lead others to perceive them as weak, needy, or less competent. This fear can create a cycle where they repress their needs to avoid potential judgment from others.

The internalized voice of criticism can lead men to believe that acknowledging their needs is selfish or inappropriate, reinforcing their reluctance to share them.

I must be honest: this struggle isn’t exclusive to men. As a woman and a fortunate friend, confidant, and coach to hundreds of women across diverse cultures and backgrounds, I’ve witnessed a shocking reality: many women are completely unaware of the needs men carry within them. You’d be astonished at how often I hear women exclaim, “I had no idea he needed to feel loved,” or “I never considered that he might require financial or emotional support.” It’s heartbreaking!

I vividly recall the moment I first recognized that one of my partners needed my support, not my judgment, as he grappled with complex challenges. Despite my training in compassion from some of the most revered Buddhist teachers, my mind struggled to see him as someone with needs.

I had been conditioned to believe that his role was simply to meet my needs, which were the only valid and important ones.

Admitting this truth is painful, and it is embarrassing  to share it, but I know it resonates with countless women. So, I ask you, as women: how often do we genuinely consider our partner's needs? Is this how real love should look? I doubt it.

I’m sharing all of this not to discourage you but to shed light on the reality many men and women face regarding men’s needs. Their inability to recognize and communicate their needs is their norm, and our incapacity to acknowledge that our needs are not the only ones that matter is heartbreaking. While it’s not easy, it is possible—and often rewarding—to shift this situation and start opening spaces for men to explore their needs freely, at their own pace, but more importantly, in a way that makes sense to them. This challenging process requires us to honor this collectively and address it with the utmost compassion.

If you've gotten to this point, you might be asking yourself why this is important. It’s not only about unmet needs; it’s also about the hurtful coping mechanisms (for both them and their partners) that men often embrace.

Here are some coping mechanisms that men may resort to when they struggle to express their needs:

1. Avoidance and Withdrawal

   - Emotional Detachment: Men may emotionally distance themselves from relationships or situations that challenge their comfort zones. This withdrawal can manifest as a lack of communication or engagement, leading to feelings of isolation.

   - Isolation: By avoiding connections or withdrawing from social interactions, men may feel temporary relief from vulnerability, but this often leads to loneliness and exacerbates their inability to connect with their needs.

2. Substance Abuse

   - Alcohol and Drugs:Some men may turn to alcohol or drugs to numb their feelings and cope with the discomfort of unmet needs. This can lead to dependency, further alienation, and a range of physical and mental health issues.

   - Self-Medicating: Using substances to cope with emotional pain or the pressure of unmet needs can provide a temporary escape but ultimately exacerbates underlying issues and hampers genuine connection with others.

3. Aggression and Anger

   - Externalizing Frustration: When men feel unable to express their needs, they may channel their frustrations into anger or aggression. This can manifest as lashing out at partners, friends, or even themselves.

  - Conflict Avoidance: Instead of communicating their needs, some men may resort to blaming or criticizing others, leading to more conflict and ultimately isolating themselves further.

4. Workaholism

   - Overworking as an Escape: Some men may immerse themselves in work to avoid confronting their feelings or needs. This can create a false sense of accomplishment while neglecting personal relationships and emotional well-being.

   - Achievement-Driven Identity: When men tie their self-worth to their careers, they may ignore their emotional needs, thinking that success will compensate for their feelings of inadequacy.

5. Perfectionism

   - Fear of Failure: Men may set unrealistic expectations for themselves to avoid vulnerability. This can lead to chronic stress and anxiety as they constantly strive for unattainable standards.

   - Neglecting Self-Care: Perfectionism often results in neglecting self-care and emotional health, ultimately leading to burnout and increased feelings of inadequacy.

6. Control Issues

   - Micromanaging Relationships: Some men may feel compelled to control situations or people around them to compensate for their own feelings of vulnerability. This can lead to conflict and resentment in relationships.

   - Fear of Losing Control: The fear of losing control may prevent men from expressing their needs, creating a vicious cycle where their inability to communicate leads to further attempts to control their surroundings.

These coping mechanisms not only hurt men but also impact their partners. Women often feel abandoned, confused, or overwhelmed when men resort to these behaviors. This dynamic perpetuates the cycle of misunderstanding and unmet needs, ultimately leading to a breakdown in communication.

So, what can we do? It starts with awareness and empathy. By recognizing the cultural conditioning that shapes men's understanding of their needs, we can approach the conversation with compassion and openness. Here are some first steps we can take together to create a supportive space for men to explore their emotional landscapes:

For Men:

- Release Harsh Self-Judgment: Understand that behind your actions, there's a need for something that might not be clear right now. Be gentle with yourself as you explore this.

- Identify Your Needs: Instead of judging yourself, ask, "What do I need?" It may take time to recognize your needs, so give yourself the space to connect with them.

- Express Your Needs: Start by writing down your needs or saying them out loud to yourself. Don’t rush this process; take as much time as you need.

- Prepare for Communication: Reflect on what you need to feel ready to share your needs with your partner. This might involve sending a message, planning a date, or seeking a therapist. Choose what feels right for you.

- Share When Ready: When you feel ready, share your needs. It may be uncomfortable at first, and you might not always get it right, but practice will help. Begin with the less significant or challenging needs.

For Women:

- Offer Support and Compassion: Understand that men may face unique challenges in navigating their emotions and needs. Be supportive and compassionate throughout their journey.

- Be Patient and Understanding: Recognize that identifying and communicating needs is a process for many men. Approach it with patience and understanding.

- Respect His Process: Don’t try to change his situation. Honor where he is and respect his journey.

- Release Expectations: Let go of expectations that he should “get better” or “learn how to do this” quickly. 

- Show Your Presence: Demonstrate that you’re present and willing to support him, whether it’s by listening or simply being a comforting presence.

As we navigate these conversations and dynamics, let’s remember the importance of recognizing that both men and women have emotional needs. By fostering awareness and understanding, we can work together to create healthier, more fulfilling relationships that honor and validate the experiences of both partners.

Through this journey of exploration, we can learn to support each other in ways that resonate, paving the way for deeper connections, love, and understanding. We are all in this together, and together we can break down the barriers that prevent us from being our most authentic selves.