Lately, I've noticed a trend that's been capturing my attention. Every morning I wake up to a lot of WhatsApp messages from friends and students, filling me in on the latest in their lives, particularly regarding their relationships and dating experiences. Interestingly, the majority, if not all, of these messages come from women. Today, I want to shed light on this phenomenon because I believe it's crucial for men to grasp what's happening on this side of the court, as it's deeply affecting them.
These messages often revolve around psychological labels:
- "Do you think he's a narcissist?"
- "He's clearly exhibiting avoidant behavior."
- "Maybe he's on the spectrum."
- "He's got commitment issues."
During breakups, the tone can become even harsher:
- "He's definitely a psychopath."
- "He's emotionally disconnected."
- "He's borderline."
- "He's so toxic."
Full disclosure: I've also been guilty of participating in this trend, in an unhealthy manner. It's embarrassing to admit, but I've weaponized psychological terms, particularly against a couple of exes and individuals I don't particularly care for.
This trend is not confined to my WhatsApp conversations; it permeates social media, adds, series, movies, and unfortunately, all too often, disagreements between couples.
Unfortunately, this is also being reinforced by some therapists and coaches. My last close encounter with this was during a breakup. I went back to therapy for support during the grieving process. The breakup was unexpected for me and I was really hurting. I shared the last weeks of our relationship with my therapist, trying to find some closure.
Soon after starting therapy, I began noticing that after every session, I felt immensely angry and hurt, contrasting with the sadness I felt on other days. I shared my concerns with my therapist, explaining my feelings and the effect of our sessions. She dismissed me telling me that this anger was part of the grieving process. I explained to her that I did not want to feel anger for him, I wanted to grow in compassion for both. To this concern of wanting to be compassionate with our experience, my therapist responded that I was clearly experiencing a trauma response from an abusive relationship and labeled my ex as something I don't even want to share.
After a couple of weeks and sessions, I started to question this approach. I decided to express my doubts not as a patient, but as a Sex, love, and relationship coach. I have developed a lot of self-awareness over the years, and I knew that I was not going through a trauma response and my ex was anything but abusive.
I initiated the conversation during one session, asking, "Is it okay that you're providing a diagnosis for my ex based solely on my side of the story, without even meeting him? Shouldn't you have interaction with him, do clinical interviews, and psychological testing to diagnose someone?"
My therapist froze, stumbling to respond. I continued, "And how is it possible that you have a diagnosis for all three of my exes over the years, yet you've never discussed any diagnosis for me? Shouldn't my therapy focus on my diagnosis and my situation? How making them wrong will help me become a better partner?"
She went completely pale and speechless. Feeling furious, I finally declared, "You're fired," and left the session.
It was a moment of clarity in the middle of the confusion, a realization that I deserved better, and so did my exes —a therapist who respected ethical boundaries and approached my healing journey with integrity and compassion.
I fired five more therapists in the subsequent months for the same reason. During this process, I crossed paths with an intriguing man in Australia. He was in his sixties, he offered me kindness and understanding as I navigated the aftermath of my breakup. As I shared my therapist experiences with him, his eyes welled up.
"I understand the struggle you're facing in finding the right support," he said softly. "It must be incredibly tough. I appreciate and respect you for defending your ex. On behalf of men everywhere, I respect you for standing up for him and not letting hate win."
He opened up about his own journey:
"After my divorce in my late fifties, I found myself in a new relationship. When it ended, I needed some space to understand what went wrong," he began. " She bombarded me with messages, ignoring my pleas for space and I had to block her since it became overwhelming. Months later, I noticed my friends and even my ex-wife distancing themselves."
Concerned, he confronted his ex-wife, only to discover a shocking revelation. His ex-girlfriend had reached out to his friends and ex-wife, branding him a selfish narcissist. The source? Her therapist, who diagnosed him without ever meeting him.
Struggling in profound loneliness, guilt, and shame, he questioned himself and started feeling that he deserved to suffer. We hugged both feeling a huge amount of impotence.
He then confided in me about the six months leading up to the breakup. He had been grappling with financial strains, struggling to pay his kids' college fees after losing many clients during the COVID-19 pandemic. On top of that, he had endured the heartbreaking loss of his mother to a terrible disease, all while striving to keep his business afloat. Did the therapist who labeled him know any of this? I wondered.
As I reflected on my own ex-partner's challenges—financial difficulties, the loss of a loved one, and immense stress from a major project—it struck me that not one of the therapists I had seen had bothered to inquire about the emotional context of my ex before the breakup. "Maybe they're not selfish sociopaths or narcissists," I realized. "Maybe we all are just human beings struggling."
Labeling someone is far too easy. You can scroll through a social media post listing five red flags of a narcissist, memorize them, and then start assessing everyone you know against those criteria. But the truth is, most of us aren't qualified to diagnose anyone. So why do we label? Convenience, I believe. It's easier to say "my ex is a narcissist" than to admit "I need to learn how to set boundaries." Or “He is a psychopath” than: "Sometimes I am passive aggressive”.
And why do therapists label? Again, I believe, convenience. When we're hurting, having someone affirm that we're not in the wrong, that everyone else is to blame, can be soothing. And may of us are willing to spend a lot of time and money for someone that soothes us. It is an amazing business, but it doesn't help us take responsibility or grow. It doesn't help us become better human beings.
So, how does labeling people contribute to building better, more loving relationships? It doesn't. In fact, it does the exact opposite.
Once we slap a label on someone, the chances of engaging in a healthy discussion to find a way forward—whether that involves reconciliation or separation—become slim. Once we fall into the trap of "I'm right, you're wrong" or "I'm healthy, you're unhealthy," there's no room for genuine respect or understanding. Its interesting to notice how many systems are created to build polarization between human beings.
Down deep inside we all know, this is just not right.
These are only few ways in which the weaponization of psychological labels in relationships impacts men:
1. Undermining Self-Perception: When men are labeled with negative psychological terms without proper evaluation, it can undermine their self-perception and lead to feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness.
2. Strained Relationships: The use of weaponized labels can create tension and mistrust in relationships, as men may feel unfairly judged or misunderstood by their partners.
3. Emotional Distress: Being labeled with derogatory psychological terms can cause significant emotional distress for men, leading to feelings of anger, frustration, and isolation.
4. Stigmatization and Shame: Men who are subjected to weaponized labels may experience stigmatization and shame, both internally and externally, which can impact their mental health and overall well-being.
5. Barriers to Seeking Help: The fear of being labeled or judged may deter men from seeking help or support when they are struggling with mental health issues or relationship challenges, exacerbating their difficulties and prolonging their suffering.
Let's challenge ourselves to move away from the easy route of labeling and instead embrace understanding, compassion, and self-responsibility. Rather than projecting our own issues onto others, let's take ownership of our emotions and actions. Let's also be mindful of the content we consume on social media, recognizing its potential to foster division rather than unity.
Furthermore, it's crucial to hold professionals accountable for their actions, especially when it comes to diagnosing individuals without proper evaluation. By calling out unethical practices, we can advocate for a more responsible and respectful approach to mental health treatment.
If you find yourself being labeled by a partner or ex-partner, here are five steps you can take:
1. Know Your Rights: Understand that no one can diagnose you without a proper evaluation. If someone does so, it's unethical and untrue. More likely, they're projecting their issues onto you.
2. Set Clear Boundaries: Communicate the ways you expect to be treated. Assert your right to be seen and respected as an individual, not reduced to a label.
3. Seek Support from Trusted Sources: Stay close to those who know you well and genuinely have your best interests at heart. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist who can offer guidance and understanding.
4. Educate and Advocate: Explain to the person labeling you why it's wrong and why they're not qualified to do so. Advocate for a more respectful and understanding approach to communication.
5. Acknowledge Your Feelings: Recognize and validate your feelings around being labeled. It's natural to feel hurt, frustrated, or misunderstood. Take time to process these emotions and reflect on how you want to move forward.
By taking proactive steps and prioritizing healthy communication and clear boundaries, you can navigate through the challenges of being labeled and emerge stronger and more resilient. Remember, you are not defined by the labels others place on you—you have the power to shape your own narrative and create positive change in your life.