The Unbearable Void: Men, Escorts, and the Pursuit of Love

Last year, my friend Keegan and I traveled to Thailand. We decided to spend a couple of days exploring Bangkok, visiting temples, and enjoying street food. I had been there over a decade ago and remembered loving the city—the temples, the food, and the shopping. I also recalled that, when I visited the red-light district with my partner, it was disappointing. We had visited these neighborhoods in Latin America and Europe. We had fun, found some interesting shows and bought sexy stuff. But Bangkok's red-light district left us feeling depressed and disgusted. Mainly because we saw many white old men hooking up with really young ladyboys or girls.

Keegan and I booked an Airbnb in an area near Soi Cowboy but far enough away. We went out for dinner in search of the perfect sticky rice. As we walked, we saw a lot of men and women offering sex in the streets, which we found interesting but not surprising. 

We sat in a nice restaurant, and as we gazed around, something seemed a little strange. There were a lot of white men having dinner with local women, holding hands, kissing, like a regular couple. But something felt off. Most of them could barely communicate— the men mostly spoke English, while the women were not very fluent. There was no age range; it wasn't just very old men with a sex worker. Most of them were between 30 and maybe 55 years old. There was nothing peculiar or strange in the woman either. It was more like a feeling that these relationships didn't make any sense. It's hard to explain.

There was something disturbing in those encounters that neither Keegan nor I mentioned because we felt like we might be exaggerating or being judgmental. But we both came back to the Airbnb extremely sad. The next day, we had the same experience. Only this time, we had figured out that most of the women were either sex workers or escorts.

"We could date him!" we joked when we saw most of the guys. Not that we wanted to, because Keegan has an amazing partner, and I was going through a breakup. But these were guys that we would have dated. 

As a sex coach who has worked with men for many years, I hold deep respect for sex workers and escorts. However, witnessing men in Bangkok faking relationships with escorts, when they could be dating and forming genuine connections with the many beautiful women living and traveling there, broke our hearts and left us feeling disheartened. The question that kept haunting me was, why were they faking romantic relationships? It felt incredibly sad and lonely.

It reminded me of my dear friend Ewa, a Slovakian escort and table dancer who had studied Tantra with me. When I first met her, I was intrigued by why a table dancer would undertake such a significant commitment. The training was no small feat, both in terms of time and money. It required us to study and practice for at least 6 hours per day, seven days a week, over the course of two years. This program wasn't just about learning an amazing technique for tantric massage over a weekend; it was a comprehensive exploration of intimacy, philosophy, psychology, coaching and the tools needed to foster deeper connections and help people heal their sexuality and relationships. Curious about her experience, I invited her to dinner over Zoom, hoping to learn more about her journey. To my delight, she generously agreed.

Ewa shared with me that she had started working as a table dancer in her country at a very young age to support her family. After some years, the owner of a fancy table dance noticed her and hired her as a dancer and escort in one of his prime locations in Germany.

She was grateful for this job because it provided her with a sense of security and better income, which she could send back home. She soon began building a clientele that frequented the bar.

Ewa is a stunningly beautiful woman with an amazing soul full of empathy and compassion. She shared with me an incident that left a deep impression on her:

"One evening, while working late in the restaurant, I noticed a group of men, each sitting alone at their table, either sleeping, drooling, or crying. This was a sight I had grown accustomed to seeing every night" she said. "I don't know what was different that night, but I felt my heart break a little. I started crying, and slowly made my way to the table where one of the men was crying alone. Despite the rules against it, I felt the overwhelming need to hug him. He just started shaking and crying, saying out loud, 'I just want to go home and be loved.' He was wearing a wedding ring.”

She left the bar with him and took him for breakfast at a coffee shop where he shared his story with her. 'I went back home,' she said. 'This guy, you would think that he was coming to the bar for sex, but he was just lonely. He was married and still felt lonely.' It made me feel so bad that he had to come to a bar like ours, pay a ton of money, use alcohol, and probably drugs just to feel close to a woman. After this encounter, every time I danced, I saw his face in my clients. They don't need sex or lap dances; they need real love,' she thought. That's when she decided to certify as a sex, love, and relationship coach. She successfully completed her certification and now uses these tools as an escort. I admire her greatly for making this decision, and I am honored to have crossed my path with her.

Ewa does not know what happened to that man, me neither. But we both suspected that he went back home, with way less money, still feeling lonely but this time with more guilt and more shame, knowing that his cultural environment would definitively judge him for using these spaces, maybe even judging himself. Should we judge men for trying to alleviate their pain? Or should we give them a hand and healthier options instead?

I have witnessed similar experiences with some of my male clients. The guilt and shame they feel, not only about their sexual desires but also about their profound loneliness, is heartbreaking. It leaves them vulnerable to seeking solace in paid and/or fake relationships.

The first question that arises is, why is it so difficult for men to acknowledge their feelings of loneliness and their need for connection? Why do they prefer the darkness of strip clubs, bars, or brothels over their homes, partners, families, therapists? It's evident that the system is failing them and pushing them to spaces that will only make them feel worse.

Our culture leaves very little space for compassion towards men. From a young age, men are conditioned to suppress their emotions, to be strong, stoic, and self-reliant. Vulnerability is often seen as weakness and admitting that they feel lonely is considered unmanly.

Until we create a culture that embraces compassion and understanding for men's emotional struggles and value vulnerability on them instead of stoicism, many will continue to suffer in silence, seeking solace in empty, superficial relationships, rather than finding the deep, meaningful connections they truly crave. It is from this understanding that we will be able to create safer and healthier support systems for them.

This also reflects a cultural and capitalist narrative imposed on men: your worth is tied to your financial status. "You will be loved and desired as long as you can afford it." This mentality often leads men to pay for simulated relationships. However, by doing so, they only worsen their wounds.

Loneliness doesn't disappear after dating an escort; it often deepens. What they truly crave is not just companionship, but genuine intimacy and love. 

And they can't experience true intimacy and love primarily because nobody has taught them how to create and sustain it with a “real” partner. Moreover, many of these men don't feel worthy of having it in their lives. They've been relentlessly blamed for being inadequate partners by their exes, mental health caregivers, and the media.

As this sense of unworthiness and un deservingness affects many men around the world, we find some seeking solace in the streets of Bangkok, in strip clubs in Germany or brothels and bars around the world.

Others try to find love and connection in gangs, or even worse: alone. They turn to alcohol, drugs, or pornography to fill this unbearable void. When they try to develop real connections, just to find themselves running away from true love and deep intimacy. And most of the time, this feeling of: she only loves me for my money shows up in their attempts of building real relationships creating a paradox. I will use my money to buy attention in "fake" relationships and women use me for money in "real" relationships.

Societal expectations play a significant role in shaping men's behavior, attitudes, and perceptions of themselves. From a young age, boys are often taught to prioritize financial success and status. These traditional notions of masculinity create a narrow definition of what it means to be a man, leaving little room for vulnerability or emotional expression. As a result, many men feel pressured to conform to these ideals, leading to feelings of inadequacy when they fall short.

This pressure to live up to societal expectations can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and contribute to the pursuit of shallow relationships as men seek validation and acceptance.

Recognizing and challenging these societal norms is essential for creating a culture where men feel valued for who they are, rather than what they can provide financially or materially.

We need to challenge the cultural narrative that ties a man's worth to his financial status, skin color, nationality, or social standing.

Men and boys must understand that feeling lonely is normal, and that they are inherently worthy of love and companionship, regardless of their background. By fostering a culture of vulnerability, self-worth and acceptance, we can prevent them from seeking validation in shallow or fake relationships, or from running away from genuine love and care.

No matter how challenging this is for them, it is important to remember that change is possible. With the right support, tools, and mindset, men can break free from the constraints of traditional masculinity and cultivate the deep, meaningful relationships based on mutual respect, understanding, and love that they ALL deserve.

We can all help by redefining masculinity to include self-acceptance, worthiness, and deservingness and creating alternatives for them. How can we teach men and boys to value themselves for who they are, rather than what they have? What tools do they need to create the meaningful relationships they crave?

It's time to change the narrative to ensure that everyone feels deserving of love and connection. After all, we only accept the love we think we deserve.