Unveiling Fearful Attachment in men.

“A brave man is not one who doesn't feel afraid, but one who conquers that fear by being true to himself." - Nelson Mandela

In our initial conversation, over the phone before our first session, I learned that he was a military veteran with years of service under his belt, he retired at 52 and opted for a change of scenery in Portugal looking for a favorable weather. For the past five years, he'd been single after breaking up with his girlfriend just one month after their arrival to Portugal. As its usual in our first session, we explored his aspirations in relationships and sexuality.

"I'd love a lasting relationship, but I doubt it'll ever happen," he confessed, "I am a fearful avoidant”. I found it intriguing how he utilized psychological terminology, and I got curious about this. It turned out he'd come to this self-diagnosis shortly after his breakup, by googling all his “symptoms” trying to understand his challenges in relationships.

What truly struck me was the tone of resignation in his voice when he confessed, "I am a fearful avoidant." It was as if he had already accepted his fate, convinced that happiness was forever out of reach. Personally, I've always harbored doubts about the attachment styles theory, finding it rather narrow-minded and outdated. My experiences working with individuals from various backgrounds and cultures have only reinforced my skepticism. These labels, when carelessly applied, disempower people and lead them to believe that they are inherently flawed, requiring years of therapy and self-improvement to fix. It's extremely sad to witness this.

He longed for intimacy and connection, yet he grappled with feelings of being unlovable and encountered pervasive distrust from those around him. Always navigating between these opposing poles: fearful of loneliness yet avoidant of connection.

Through his self-guided research, he internalized the belief that being fearful, or avoidant was inherently wrong, that a "healthy" partner should always embody the secure attachment style. The anxiety of not knowing how to attain this elusive middle ground weighed heavily on him, reaching a point where he no longer wanted to attempt it—and I can't blame him.

I was in awe witnessing his internal conflict, a battle that seemed to transcend mere psychological terms and delve into the depths of pure philosophy.

It reminded me of the timeless struggle we all face when confronted with the choice between our aspirations and our anxieties. We've all stood at this crossroads at some point, trying to balance our desires and our fears. And in that moment, I couldn't help but feel a profound connection to his journey—an affirmation of our shared human experience.

"So," I began, "you're holding the desire for connection in one hand, and fear in the other. Which one will you feed?" It brought to mind a cherished teaching from one of my mentors—the tale of the good wolf and the bad wolf.

His eyes widened with surprise and smiled in relief. "It can't be that simple!" he exclaimed, laughing through his words as if the notion was too good to be true. "Why not?" I replied.

Life doesn't have to be a labyrinth of complexities; this is a choice we make. That's what I cherish most about the Tantric philosophy—the elegance of its simplicity. It's that moment of profound clarity when we cut through the tangled web of human theories and return to the essence of existence. When we allow ourselves to become free of social conditioning and go back to the core of our human experience.

Within each of us lies this eternal duality—between intimacy and fear, between good and evil, truth and falsehood, fidelity and betrayal. Our true power lies in the freedom to choose, moment by moment, who we want to become.

When standing at the crossroads in your relationships, pause. Align with your Truth, ask yourself: Which wolf do I want to feed?

After some months of self-exploration, he realized that as much as he wanted to be in a relationship, living with a partner was not something that he envisioned. He is currently exploring the dating scene, making a conscious effort to choose his desire instead of his fear. It has not been easy, but he is making progress.

If you're facing similar challenges in your relationships or life, you may find these Tantric tools invaluable. While they require discipline, the results can be truly transformative. Here are some practices you can try at your own pace:

1. Visualization in Meditation: Take time to visualize the person you aspire to become as a partner. When fear or avoidance arises, pause and ask yourself, "What would my aspirational self do in this situation?" This simple yet powerful practice utilizes visualization to create new neural pathways, it  empowers individuals to break free from habitual patterns and cultivate new ways of relating.

2. Breathwork: While many associate breathwork solely with relaxation, it also fosters self-awareness—an essential component of conscious self-transformation. One popular technique is box breathing: Inhale for a count of four, hold for four, exhale for four, hold for four, and repeat. This practice cultivates mindfulness, helps you consciously choose who you want to be and facilitates resilience and self-regulation, which will enable to navigate challenges with greater ease.

3. Self-Inquiry Meditations: Instead of suppressing avoidant tendencies, approach them with curiosity through self-inquiry meditations. In Tantra, we often say, "What you resist, persists." Just as a dog left in a basement will cause chaos upon release, avoidance behaviors persist when suppressed. Instead, sit in meditation and explore why avoidance arises and what it needs. Cultivate a relationship with this aspect of yourself to promote understanding and transformation.  Explore the underlying causes of avoidance behaviors with curiosity and compassion instead of judgement. This practice fosters self-understanding and acceptance, laying the foundation for meaningful transformation and growth.

4. Seek Support: If you find it challenging to embark on this journey alone, consider seeking guidance from a teacher experienced in mindfulness practices designed to break patterns. A knowledgeable guide can offer personalized support and insights tailored to your unique journey.

By integrating these practices into your life with dedication and patience, you can gradually dismantle barriers and cultivate a more fulfilling and authentic way of being.