How Fear Has Affected Men's Sexual Experiences and How Tantra Can Help.

The amount of fear men live with while constantly measuring themselves against an impossible standard is truly terrifying:

"Men must always have to want sex. Be able to maintain an erection, provide orgasms, and be ready to have sex all the time. No matter what."

This fear often invades the bedroom, causing men to struggle with controlling their erections and this obsession to please their partners. The fear strips away most of the joy of the sexual experience from them.

To cope with this performance anxiety, many men try to control every aspect of the sexual encounter with their minds—trying to achieve and maintain an erection, preventing premature ejaculation, and ensuring their partner's satisfaction.

The immense pressure and performance anxiety imposed by our culture have impacted men's relationship with sex, creating a cruel burden to bear.

While it is really amazing that you want to please your partner, being in your head during sex will not give you or your partner more pleasure. Your sexual encounters can become a very shallow goal-oriented activity that will get boring really fast and will feel like an obligation.

You both might be left with this question: "Is this all there is to aspire to?"

In the quest for something more, you might start blaming your partners for being boring or predictable, you may feel the need to seek new lovers or leave the relationship altogether hoping that the grass will be greener on the other side. It might get greener, for a while.

However, these are just surface-level manifestations of a much deeper issue—the fear and beliefs that underpin it all.

One of the most disempowering beliefs is that men's sexuality is dependent only on their penis and their ability to maintain an erection. This is the origin of performance anxiety and it is present in the sexuality of most men.

It gives them very little room to explore and express a more complete sexual experience for them and their partners. Those in which they could spend hours on sexual encounters, experiencing different kinds of orgasms, in which they can build true deep intimacy, safely sharing their bodies and their hearts. Where they can be truly seen, desired and loved. Believe it or not this is a deep yearning in the masculine.

When it comes to overcoming fear and performance anxiety, mindfulness practices offer the best antidote.

I understand that it may not immediately make sense to you—how could sitting silently on a cushion help improve your sex life? It truly works, and you don't necessarily have to practice in silence on a cushion. Although seated meditation is a great place to start your practice.

For me this is one of the most interesting aspects of Tantra. Most of the spiritual traditions in India, Nepal and Tibet have the aspiration of enlightenment through the suppression of human desires (celibacy, fasting, poverty) many of our western religions have a similar view on this.

The left-handed tantric paths have a radically different approach. While they agree that enlightenment is the objective of every human experience (because we are born with that yearning) they also point out something that is frequently ignored: most of us will not become monks or nuns, we will need to work, eat, we will have sex and want to enjoy it. This brings out this very valid question: How will "normal" people achieve enlightenment?

These schools came up with an amazing and really revolutionary perspective: We will also be enlightened, not only through yoga, meditation, chanting mantras but also through sex, food, our job, power and money. Our human desires can also be a path for enlightenment.

Yes. You read well. You can enlighten through sex. How is this relevant for performance anxiety in men? Well, tantric teachers have developed many different practices that can help you develop mindfulness during sex, which will allow you to be a completely present lover that is not only in your head worrying instead of enjoying.

You can cultivate mindfulness during sex by being fully present. This is what tantric sexual practices are about: creating this awareness that will allow you to listen to the moment and trust yourself to be radically present, for your lover's pleasure, but most importantly for your own pleasure.

The most epic sex experiences happen when you allow yourself to fully immerse in the present moment. This also helps you to be boldly attuned to your lover's desires. Sometimes we all crave wild, kinky, and passionate sex. You will get the courage you need to explore this kind of sex.

I realize this might feel weird, as you might associate these practices with hippies, extra sensitive guys or gurus.

However, the reality is that it resembles the mindset of a big wave surfer or a skilled sailor fully in the zone:

You enter a flow state—a state of deep connection and knowing. You are acutely attuned to the entire sexual field and the moment to moment experience.

You listen not only to your partner but also to the subtle cues of desire within yourself. Where do you want to go next? What experiences do you long for? Your partner becomes your board or your ship. What does it need? Should you go faster or slow down? The flow state is present, over and over again.

The sexual moment becomes a wave—an immersive experience where you're neither lost nor in control, but rather engaged in a powerful erotic dance with it. Present, attuned and in flow.

Who are you called to be at this moment? How can you step up and fully embrace it? How will you navigate this wave? You become a master. Your performance is no longer an issue because it is no longer in charge: you are leading with your entire being.

As you embrace your sexual courage and tap into the flow state, your sexual fears will gradually diminish and are replaced with a new kind of lover: the one that rides the wave and creates epic sexual experiences.