The Emotional Journey of Men: Finding Compassion and Self-Acceptance

Last year I met a very interesting man in his late 40s who had a unique and inspiring perspective of life. We had attended a tantric retreat together where he opened up about something that strongly caught my attention: "I don't feel. I am broken. I am numb" he said.

Some months later a series of weird events unfolded, and I ended living with him for a while. I was going through a breakup, and despite barely knowing me, he helped me without hesitation. He guided me through Australian cities, airports and train stations while I was devastated until he picked me up at the bus station near his house.

He bought food and cooked for me, made sure I ate, hugged me while I cried, took me to amazing places in the woods and tried to make me laugh. I could feel him being really caring and compassionate.

I also saw him every day working on his beautiful project. He revealed his kindness, strength and dedication to this powerful and generous vision he had created as an incredible retreat center and permaculture community in the Gold Coast. A stunning hidden paradise.

It was hard for me to integrate an image between this perception he had about not being able to feel and the caring man I was experiencing and witnessing day after day. Something did not make sense.

In one of our many conversations I learned that he had tried therapy in the past. His therapist told him he was flawed because he couldn't connect with his emotions on a somatic level. Tantric practices are somatic, and I know that this is a common issue among men, to be fair it is also common in women. It's really hard for every human being to feel their emotions, especially those that we don't like.

I have seen this gaze of feeling broken or flawed many times before in my male friends, students, most of my ex-partners and their closest friends.

It's extremely hard to witness them suffer and feel even more broken once they get diagnosed. It takes a lot of courage to ask for help and once they do, they often find therapists that reinforce the sense of being wrong. This can be devastating.

He was diagnosed as someone who did not feel emotions, would never feel them, was destined to suffer forever and to never be able to have a healthy relationship. Of course, he gave up on therapy not knowing how to fix his emotionless challenge which irónicaly made him feel broken.

One day I was sun tanning in the terrace, he was mowing the lawn and I saw it clearly:

He wasn't broken; he was in pain.

The pandemic was devastating for his project, exhausted he was being forced to sell his property and give up his vision. The one he had been living for over a decade.

I could perceive he was sad, angry, frustrated, scared, and extremely tired. I could only imagine how hard it was for him to admit these emotions even to himself. It was not a blockage, it was survival.

It made perfect sense that he tried to suppress them.

He couldn't afford an emotional breakdown at this point, so instead, he got physically sick.

This is a prevalent narrative in most of our cultures: "men don't feel, something is wrong with them”. Men do experience emotions; they might disconnect or suppress them as a survival mechanism. And most of the time this is completely understandable, like in my friend's case.

These suppressed emotions find ways to manifest most of the time in painful ways: anxiety as workaholism, anger as rage, sadness as addiction, emptiness in erectile dysfunction and worries as physical sickness. All of these have an impact on their relationships, and this only creates a bigger problem for them to manage, more emotions arise (their own and their partners), so they need to suppress even further. It can get quite overwhelming very fast.

Life will always bring tough experiences like breakups, financial struggles, or having to let go of dreams. Men need to open up space for themselves when they navigate through these rough patches. A safe space to feel fear, sadness, and anger where they don't always have to have the answers or be strong. Where they are allowed to fail, worry, not know how to fix it, be confused, be human.

The mental strategy that they have tried on their own and in some therapies to try to vanish or disappear pain or medicate it is not working, and will never work. Men do not require a diagnosis; they deserve, as we all do, profound compassion, starting with themselves and their experiences.

Most men will not even want to talk about self-compassion, because it is regularly linked with self-pity and weakness. But true compassion actually requires an enormous amount of courage and strength. It requires us to build a very solid space of inner strength that allows us to face ourselves in the mirror each morning and say: This moment sucks, im sorry you are going through this, may you be well and happy soon. As you would do with a loving friend that is facing any challenge.

The amount of peace that you will find by allowing yourself to be human and release the excruciating painful expectations on being a” true man” that endures everything all the time is massive.

This experience has made me realize how in the past I have also been unable to create a safe space for my partners to feel their emotions as it was hard for me not to take it personal, it has crushed my heart. I don't even want to face the impact that this has had on them. It's very painful to admit.

I believe most couples struggle with this, it is not only men that think that they should not break apart, as women we have not been taught what to do when they break, and we pánic. We enter in our own emotional process adding more pain and stress into the scene.

It's no one's fault. We have not seen how this is done. Nobody has taught us better than this. But it is our responsibility as men and women to create more awareness around these unemotional men narrative that is deeply hurting them and it's preventing them from getting the help that is available and can efficiently help them unpack their emotions in a way that feels safe, reasonable and empowering.

We need to show more compassion towards men's struggles. We need more empathy. They need it urgently. We all do.

For men:

*If you've experienced this "emotional numbness", I want to assure you: You have never been broken, and there is nothing wrong with you. You don't have to fix yourself.

* Know that it's normal not to want to feel what you're feeling when it is too much. It's a way of protecting yourself from pain. And it makes sense you are doing this.

*Take a moment to be kind and compassionate toward yourself. Being human is not easy for anyone, and dealing with strong emotions is tough. But remember, it doesn't mean you're broken. You don't have to be a sweet tender man to do this, just cut some slack for yourself: you are human, it's ok to struggle sometimes.

*Take comfort in this realization and take a first brave and powerful step: be gentle with yourself.

*Know there is help available, you might not find it in traditional therapists. Alternative methodologies (do not imagine incense, and chanting) will allow you to contact your emotions in a way that is aligned to your beliefs, you don't have to cry, scream or do anything you don't want. This are some options that I find in alignment with males struggles:

https://mantalks.com/

https://thehealthycompulsive.com/about/

For women

* Be mindful that this is not only your partner's challenge, this is a systemic and cultural narrative that has been deeply ingrained and it's not easy to change it. Avoid making your partner feel guilty for not sharing his emotions.

* Make yourself responsible for your own emotions, as much as it's nice to have someone to share our struggles expecting this to be done all the time by your partner it's unreasonable. As an adult, you are responsible for holding space for yourself.

* Express your own emotions in a healthy regulated way, you can model your partner how to express without creating a drama, this will give him permission to do the same within time.

*Understand that it is also valid for him to resolve issues with his mind and not through emotions. Drop the expectation on him having to show up in a way that makes sense to you. Allow him to be himself.

*Do not try to fix his struggle around emotions, you are not his savior nor his therapist and you are not trained to do so. This try will only cause you to be resentful, you can instead inspire him to do his personal work by doing yours.